Double-U Trifecta

Photo by Noelle

Photo by Noelle


I stand in the parking lot and let the wind and snow penetrate my clothes. I think of standing at bus stops as a kid waiting on the bus for school or trudging home from after-school jobs because my mother forgot to pick me up. She wasn’t mean, just a little ADD and most certainly not on time for a single event in her life. She’d always say, “There you are!” as if she’d been looking for me a good while or naturally expected me to arrive out of thin air.
Photo by Noelle

Photo by Noelle


It’s occurred to me, of late, that my problems as they relate to the notion of waiting really do stem from this. Years of waiting for my mother to be ready to leave or to show up. I’m not blaming her now. Just aware where this whole crazy waiting bus got started.
Photo by Noelle

Photo by Noelle


Christianity, as a rule, teaches a lot of waiting, too. Waiting to be worthy for things, waiting on God’s good graces to slide your way. Not knocking the Christians either. Like my mother who got her “waiting” from somewhere else, then passed it on to me, the Christians have been passing it along, too. The rolling wave of work hard, worthiness and waiting. A ‘Double-U” trifecta that forms the worst sort of box. Always feeling like you have to prove yourself somehow. Push more, demonstrate more, work harder, than wait for that tipping scale when your worthiness reaches some magical goodness quotient and all that you strive for will arrive.
Photo by Noelle

Photo by Noelle


As I stand and feel the snow beginning to cover my lashes it occurs to me I shall let this wind take these old notions out to sea. They no longer serve me. The whip has cracked long enough at my back. The old beggar woman inside of me is finally turning to dust on this gale. How absolutely lovely to know that. Really know it down deep somewhere near my solar plexus. Like a winter sun suddenly pulsating into a white wind.

Now… ah, now, to live it.

Photo by Noelle

Photo by Noelle

Some Slack

Attached is one of my videos developed for my Facebook page, http://www.facebook.com/intoyourmeditation. It’s been an interesting evolution. When the book came out I felt that pit in my stomach of wondering how I’d promote it. Marketing isn’t my forte. Then, over time, I started playing with videos and my larger ideas, not only about the book, but my own spiritual perspective. I focused less on selling a book and more on talking about ideas, viewpoints, as I would a client or a friend. The videos are evolving and the process is becoming easier.

It’s a bit strange looking at myself in this way. I’ve discovered I say “really” and “powerful” a lot and “like” is tossed around liberally, too. I rock when I speak. Literally I rock back and forth. Who knew? For such a happy person I have the worst frowning crease in my forehead. Where did that come from? I massage my face a lot now. You want to see something funny, now that is funny. All of this has been a marvelous process of failures and successes and much laughter. Thinking it would be cool to do some outdoor video I landed in a huge mud puddle and swallowed a bug mid-sentence. I may have to compile a bloopers video at some point.

Regarding the videos I find on the one hand, I have this growing clarity on things I want to say and focus on. On the other, I haven’t written much of late, not because I don’t have things to say, but silence has had a larger part of my attention. Writing is easy for me, and where I am the most comfortable, and yet, my hands lay still. No resistance or struggle, more like an Olympic swimmer stretching, and gazing upon the water. The shot hasn’t fired. The crowd isn’t calling. Everything is silent down to the waves rolling up against the side of the pool.

The difference, of course, between myself and the swimmer is there is no tension within me. I am not psyched up for a race. I’m sitting in this huge pregnant pause with the curiosity of a cat. I see so many things I could latch onto and ramp up and then they subside and move on. As if my life has become one long meditation of sorts. The breath rises, the breath falls, the thoughts come, the thoughts go and I remain quietly watching.

The videos have become these pops of energy where my mind is suddenly alert with something I want to say. Once created, I watch how I gently slide back into a space of awareness and calm. If I were a tourist I’d be wondering how long this vacation can last. This space of non-resistance and gentle awareness. I prefer, however, to leave the wondering for another day. I will ride this crest, as long as I ride this crest. No point telling a story about it being otherwise.

Join me if you wish on Facebook. I’d love the company. I make no excuses for the way every single video seems to freeze with some funny expression on my face. Either angels are having sport with me or my videos are infested with gremlins. It is what it is, I am who I am.