I think of you often.
They say to live the life you wish, you must be intentional, imaginative, and purposeful about it. You must find a way to step into the feeling state of already having that person, place, situation or thing in your life. Really live it inside your mind and let it seed your heart, body and soul.
How would you experience the world and yourself if you were already living that experience? Who would you be? What would your life look like? How, if anything would change? How would you be different?
In many ways, the things we hold most intimately to our hearts with ever growing passion and longing, are often the things we spend the least amount of time investing our imaginations in. The nature of the things we wish to manifest in our life, are also the same things that show us our greatest weaknesses. When we want something deeply and profoundly it leaves us vulnerable. There’s an emotional exposure we don’t know how to balance with our longing. We see that longing inside of us as a weakness – something outside our control.
Maybe we aren’t a species that lacks focus, so much, as a species that fears witnessing all the ways we feel deficient, unworthy, and unlovable. Standing before something we want and don’t have, we are much more inclined to see things wrong within ourselves, as a means of explaining that something’s absence. Sometimes it’s just easier to not want anything at all, or to not delve too deep into what we most hunger for, because there may be things lurking there we’re not ready to face.
I’ll confess, it was hard at the beginning to step into this space of you. I felt much as the Tin Man must’ve felt, rusted in the rain and needing a good oiling to speak properly again.
Having spent many years alone, intentionally, I’d rather lost the practice of cohabitating with someone else’s energy. It took some time to understand the need to fall in love with myself first, before another. It’s been a delicious, if not at times, stormy journey. It wasn’t merely necessary for my own growth and expansion, but now I see it’s the only way I can find my way to you.
The downside of this particular path is you forget basic things. Flirting has become as foreign to me, as shuffleboard. I couldn’t seem to find a groove with you, even in my imaginary mind. A way of interacting that didn’t sound forced and stiff even to my own ears. Sounds ridiculous, but even in my head interacting with you was like a bad date. To imagine myself with another felt completely awkward.
More importantly your energy felt too big in my space, or maybe if I were wholly honestly, in the beginning I just wasn’t willing to share. I’ve built this lovely cocoon of ‘me’, after years of not having any authentic sense of myself. I found myself struggling with understanding how to hold onto ‘me’, and still invite in a ‘you’. The more I played lets-pretend with who I fondly referred to as my Back Pocket Man, the more I realized how much I needed the practice.
We so often think it’s about the luck of meeting someone, but really it’s about becoming who we wish to be in the presence of someone, as a path of actually inviting that someone – in.
I realized how all my alone time had brilliantly given me a much clearer sense of myself, but left me with no understanding of you. Who do I want to invite into my weird little world now? What is it I need? What are my greatest longings? What inside me needs to grow?
You were foreign because who I was- who I had been – had changed completely. In one way, the old me had become what was foreign and who I might love to fall in love with was still a construct of my previous life. Yet, I could feel strongly the lack of interest in the types of men I’d been attracted to in my past. That fire has long gone cold, but there is an ember in my hand that still looks for a hearth filled with timber.
For a while, I felt I was an ancient key discovered in the Earth, sifting in the same Earth for my lock. But maybe ancient isn’t the right analogy.
I’m sensing my way into someone totally fresh and wonderfully new. I am playing a game of Blind Man’s Bluff, and I am it, but with just one other player. You – my Back Pocket Man. I am feeling around getting a sense of you. Creating a space within my soul you can come play in.
And if you are new, fresh, unexpected than I cannot predict or know what will happen next or how anything will unfold. I am in a house of love, which for the moment is stunningly blank. The prospect of checking my mental ‘me’ at the door of this house gives me a playful thrill. I have to risk showing up only with my heart and instead of mentally finding my way, I must feel my way to you. There is a nakedness inside of this that I simply love.
Romantically speaking, you are for me, the Great Uncharted Territory.
Talking to someone who is no one, but might actually be someone, is no mean feat. Half the time you simply laugh at yourself, because it feels a little crazy. Still, I’ve kept it up and over time, you’ve begun to occupy my space. Not just inside my head, but often in my home or sitting next to me in the car. Roaming rooms, taking up space in my closet, sitting on the edge of the tub, asking me what I want for dinner.
Like all the great discoveries I’ve made about myself, discovering you inside of me, is a wondrous adventure. With persistent focus and time, I’ve gotten better and better at feeling my way into my day with you.
One friend I told about my curious exercise, just a few months into it, asked me if I wasn’t afraid I’d create a relationship impossible to re-create in ‘real’ life. It’s hard to explain to someone the ‘sensing’ of another more than the ‘creating’ of a specific someone. Having an awareness that doesn’t involve lists of characteristics or specifics, so much as a sense of yourself in response to a feeling of someone.
There’s this wonderfully lively and cheery guitar piece by Mark Kroos called “Joy”. I heard it one morning and felt this deep longing to climb back into bed with you and just listen to it as the sun rose. I didn’t need to know you like my music so much, as I felt a certainty whoever you are, you would indulge me. That being in the presence of two people indulging the simple joys of living with one another, is one of the things I embody now. What I hunger to give and what I long to draw in. I suspect you could say that’s pretty specific, but it doesn’t feel that way. Feels like the love I’ve found for myself being mirrored back by another.
You show up a lot in my dreams and always talking to me about something. We seem to spend a lot of time in my dreams walking nowhere, talking casually about nothing especially important or just sitting together. Lately, two dogs have joined us. Maybe Labs or Goldens. One stole my wallet and hid it somewhere, the other appears to be a chewer. Two dogs, two cats, two people. If any of this is real, seems we’ll need a bigger bed.
The one specific thing about you seems to be your hands. I see them often in my dreams. Hands that have crafted, sculpted or affected life somehow. I doubt I’d recognize you personally, but something tells me I’ll know your hands in an instant.
And the smell of your skin. The scent of another isn’t something you can fake. You either share in the delight of it or you don’t. We don’t like to think of ourselves as animals, but we are as affected by scent as any other creature. To be drawn by the simple smell of someone’s skin is one of the Earth’s great intoxications.
Sensations appear randomly and at great delight. Once, in the middle of a work project, I sensed your razor stubble brush my left shoulder blade. Fortunately, I was never much interested in that project anyway.
Another friend said if I’m so happy imagining you, maybe I don’t need to meet you at all. Maybe my imaginary friend is all I need. It is true that I am deliciously happy wandering around with you as my Back Pocket Man and I suspect if you were to never show up in real time, I’d remain just as happy. The more I practice the more present you become in my day to day life. I don’t know if that’s the purpose Spirit has in bringing me to this game I play with myself. I have decided I’ll make the most of the experience regardless of what happens next. Next is a big word, in so many ways.
Still, there is a captivation here, in this situation with you, that I often feel playing with collages. Random pieces suddenly coming together and creating something beautiful, out of such disparate parts you could never have imagined it wholly on the front end. In art, there’s the vision and the starting off and then there’s what happens, which often has nothing to do with the beginning of the piece at all. And when we create, we rarely know how deep the heart of a vision goes, until it’s manifesting before our eyes, showing us something two steps beyond the vision we began with.
I got a cut on my wrist not too long ago. Something about the way it crossed the creases leading to my hand intrigued me. I decided to let it scar over instead of healing it with Neosporin. I just knew I’d like the scar.
Perfection dulls me to the point of a good, hearty yawn. I’m not looking for certainties or something perfect. Where would the surprises be in all of that? Where would the cracks that make the mosaic be? We are all half dream/half spirit rising up from imagination and nothingness onto the Earth. So much is meant to be unknown and then discovered.
I want to discover your scars.
See the shadows and where you broke and stitched yourself back together. I don’t want to see the pattern or mold you came from, but the Velveteen Rabbit version of you, twenty years later, well worn, and missing an eye.
I don’t want to craft the perfect relationship, but rather feel my way into the mystery of a ‘you’ and a ‘me’, that I can touch with my breath, but can’t wholly know until you show up. I want the surprise of you, all the while making you so familiar to me, I sense you before you ever turn that first corner.
When I was younger, I would’ve found such clear awareness of what I hunger for from another unsettling, too vulnerable and exposed. I would’ve gone to great lengths to escape or hide. Make it seem as if the veneer didn’t have any cracks at all. Work hard at being liked or seeming competent.
Lately this question has risen in me: What would happen if I saw the parts of me worn and tarnished and didn’t flinch knowing you saw it, too? It scares me to ponder it, as I would before a roller coaster ride. We are meant to laugh and rejoice in our imperfections and our tiny fractures. They bring dimension and vitality to an otherwise seamless landscape. If I cannot drop my facade and show you my wounds, how can you know the battles I have fought and won? How can either of us know what primordial forces shaped the other?
There is an alchemy to any two people coming together for whatever reason. Who shall we be, affected/effected by the presence of the other?
“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances – if there is any reaction, both are transformed.: – Carl Jung
We are all mirrors for each other. Alone, I can only see the image of myself I’m willing to tolerate seeing. I can only see what I’m ready to deal with. I can only see what I decide is acceptable right now to witness.
In the presence of each other, there’ll be curve balls.
When we enter any kind of relationship we are agreeing, even if unconsciously, to the idea that there’s a spot in the middle of our back, no matter how much we twist and turn we just can’t see or reach. That to see or reach that spot, someone has to hold a mirror up, or touch it for us. I want to be shown a me I’ve never met and can only meet in the company of you. Such intimacy is terrifying and I can’t resist doing everything I can to draw it in.
I love the idea I could do that for you. Show you a ‘you’ you’ve never met. Touch parts of you, you simply can’t reach, but hunger to know and experience within yourself.
I haven’t any idea who you really are or what you’d actually be like. I do have a clearer sense of who I wish to be and become in the presence of you. I do know I hunger to grow, because you entered my life. These things are solid and firm inside of me.
“They say to have the life you wish to live, you must be intentional, imaginative, and purposeful about it. If you want something, step into the feeling state of already having that person, place, situation or thing in your life. Really live it inside your mind and let it seed your heart, body and soul.”
I love anticipating you. Maybe in this lifetime, maybe in another. The how and the when are not my purview or my task. Those are Spirits. For now, I let myself sink into the feeling of you resting upon me, drifting in and out of my days and nights. Roaming about my life, making yourself comfortable.
There is space inside me now for you.
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