I haven’t been posting much lately, as a quiet has permeated my mind that is difficult to describe. I am not without thought, but rather a tension I hadn’t noticed was consistently there until now gone. I find myself suspended a bit, as if my thoughts have slowed enough for me to lift a few inches off the ground. I laugh to hear Obi Wan in my head. “There is no disturbance in your force, young Jedi.”
I think about this objectively, as if examining an exotic beetle. Iridescent blues, pinks and greens of the scarab float as a mist about my mind. It’s a little “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” inside of me these days, but without the psychedelics. I am not in nirvana nor have I become some Bodhisattva. There’s still a good bit of funky shit in this old noggin. It seems, at least for the present moment, I’ve lost interest in the inner drama. It begins it’s crawl across my mental windowsills, as I have allowed it to do for decades, but find myself either completely disinterested or curious that such a creature should have found its way into my home.
There doesn’t seem to be a point in wondering where it all came from. I’m fifty-two years old. Like most people I’ve been a hoarder of life experiences and reactions and reflexive memories since I hit terra firma. I’ve been storing a lot of stuff for a very long time. Cement boots sit next to a Mad Hatter’s hat, teetering on top of ballet shoes, dangling from a business suit as worn as all the other items inside my mind. They all have the same value to me now. The reasons for all of my previous costumes and acting parts just doesn’t seem all that important.
I move about the attic looking at it all. There was a time the sheer volume of internal debris and boxed up crap would’ve overwhelmed me. Now I look at it all, as if from a great distance, and watch the decay. A millennium’s impact on a human life leaves nothing in its wake. Everything in the end returns to the earth or to the Force, as Yoda would say. I feel no need to wait the time out. I imagine it is already decaying, evaporating and blowing out into a strong, celestial wind. This young Jedi has other things to do.
23 thoughts on “Young Jedi”
Your current mind-states sound perfectly lovely Noelle, reminiscent perhaps of the insight stage of Upekkhā, or equanimity, as described in Orthodox (Theravadin) Buddhist psychology. They say that despite its desirability, it’s an easy place to get stuck. Paradoxically then, true equanimity shows no resistance to the apparent disappearance of equanimity. Another conundrum eh? All best wishes, Hariod.
So true. You only have mastery for….oh whoops I just lost it….
It’s a great gift to be able to discern and articulate the inner movements of one’s life, Noelle. I admire you deeply for that.
Thank you, my friend. All states are transient, of course, but they seem realler the more I talk about them, as opposed to just imagining at some point I felt peaceful.
is my joy 🙂
A thousand blessings, my friend.
Am so happy for you to have reached this point in life. A time to breathe and integrate and just be at peace.
That night hike is really turning out to be something else, Noelle… Only a Jedi would do something like that, and then repair to a state of placid equilibrium with one’s nacreous, inner beetles, and all the whirling cosmos overhead. These landscapes of poise do not come easily. And I am very thankful they are contagious…
Yes… Contagious is a great word. I hadn’t connected it to such things as the night hike, but yes, as we challenge our fear, peace comes to rest as if a butterfly you’d been chasing.
Such an interesting place to be … And to let it be. Live it fully from the heart and soul 🙏
So true. You will never stay in any state forever, so best to indulge the peace and joy for as long as they last. When you lose them, it will be your awareness that they did exist that gets you back up to tackle your inner crazy.
To feel comfortable in our peace or our struggle, is a gift Noelle. To move with our changes as they present. Beautiful description.
Thank you, my friend.
when I fell ill last year, I discovered a similar thing – I’ve learnt to let go of the stuff that doesn’t actually matter, and just store the things are important to me – but I think it’s something each person has to work out for themselves – keep open, be free!
You definitely can’t be given a map of someone else’s experience. You just end up at a greasy-spoon diner called Moe’s on Hwy 6.
I’ve had similar feelings this past year. The drama that once seemed so overwhelming now feels like a quiet library with old novels neatly lined up on their shelves. When something from the past that once troubled me wanders into my thoughts, I can simply note that it’s just a story and close the book.
I love that meme that is going around on Facebook. “This isn’t my circus, these aren’t my monkeys.”
I absolutely love this!! I had to find something to write it on as I have 2 circuses swirling about me.
As the old and decaying blows out the door I can’t wait to see what beautiful things this brave young Jedi soul will create in its place.
I’m still in the kiln, solidifying my inner art. I’m sure you know what I mean.🙏
🙂 Purifying and burning off the unneeded, in the process of being transmuted into something new. Love it.
Noelle ! You are so enchanting ! I love your poetic musings …I could feel your heart …thankyou dear friend , love , megxxx
I think like wolf packs many of us are traveling together whose hearts and minds are opening up. We howl each other’s night song.