Looking Out, Looking In

I have a bone to pick, but it sticks in my throat a fish rib I keep eating with no hope of digesting. There’s no point to the rant I offer you. That’s what makes me wring my hands with an emotional wash that still smells of fumes and rotted fish. I know the answers you’ll give me to every question I could ask. So why ask?

Knowledge is a devil if there ever was one. Gives you comfort while it steals your security in endless mind games you can’t stop tricking yourself with. I hate you for filling my head with the knowledge of who I am. Light and gold. Miracles and love. I look down at my costume and want to rip it till I’m naked. I can’t escape my frightened thoughts that burn me in a lava flow, erupting in my brain and filling my mouth with an eager malice. You could have told me in the beginning that ignorance was not only bliss, but a quaalude cocktail that would’ve left me sleeping; a contented mongrel, in a sewer heap that knows no better. Now a youthful, hungry anger boils in my belly and it’s more bitter than death no matter how many times I swallow it down. But there be the rub. Poison is best drawn out and all wounds must be opened to cleanse them of their infection. That is how I feel: raw, open, infected with my own awareness of thoughts that poison my spirit.

For the love of me, you say. It was my choice you announce and I could beat you within an inch of my own life if I weren’t plagued by the truth in it. It eats at my mind until I’m smashing the beds and tearing up my brakes in the car. You should’ve told me to leave when I came through the door. You should have said the price for awakening is sanity.

A work in progress from The Writer’s Church hosted by Marj Hahne. Piece Inspired by “Dear Corporation” by Adam Fell.

12 thoughts on “Looking Out, Looking In

    • I wrote this piece last year when things were really a mess. I’ve learned you have to honor the dark stuff. It’s what opened you for all the good, as I know you know all to well. Happy hump day. Hey can you drop me a note to let me know if you get these comments back to you. You mentioned you weren’t getting my replies and I try to write back to every note you send me. I’m trying to figure out why you don’t get them.

  1. “But there be the rub.” J

    Thanks for the acknowledgment at the bottom, Noelle. Heading to Sunrise Ranch this morning for the Coloradocado Retreat. Miss working with you all, so this will be good.

    Sending you all good things.


    • You taught me well, my friend. Always honor those who gifted you with their creativity, so that you were inspired to be more yourself. You personify that. Love and beauty to you. N

  2. This is heavy stuff. It hit me like a freight train moving, like Bob Dylan sang. I am so glad to read in your reply to Liz that it was written a yearago and not just today. You write intensely powerful. May you be well. May you be happy. May you befree from all suffering. Bless you, sister.

    • We have all had dark night’s of the soul, my friend. I took the risk to write mine down and post it, that’s all. Love the Dylan reference! I am most well and happy, my dear, dear friend. In part because I allowed myself to have the darkness. _/I\_

    • So true, but in the end, the price you pay is the destruction of an egoic system that was actually strangling you all along. You just didn’t know it. Thanks for stopping in, my friend.

  3. I, too, am glad that this was a year ago. In your comment you said that we have to honor the dark stuff. Yes, we must deal with it or it will forever stay dark.
    Your photo is just wonderful, by the way

    • Thank you. Coming from you that is quite the compliment. Your work is really lovely. Reflecting back now, I can see so clearly that to be where I am today I quite literally had to vomit out all the ugliness I’d been dragging around forever. When it’s over you look back and wonder that you’d been walking around with all that in you. Dark storms are bigger blessings than we know. Thanks so much for stopping in, my friend.

  4. Wow, this definitely hit with me. I’ve often been frustrated over knowledge or intelligence and shouted “ignorance is bliss!” as I shake my fist at the sky. But I remind myself it is not being ignorant that is bliss, it is ignorance to the drama or conflict which gives me bliss.

    So we should be smart, just not watch the news or read the papers. 😀

    • I am a firm believer, my friend, that who decides what is news is entirely arbitrary and often decided by a media machine that has other concerns like entertainment and advertising that is determining what is news or true or fact or knowledge. The world is full of things that are full of beauty and love and grace. So are we. First, though, we have to purge ourselves of the ideas of who we are that we have, sadly been ingesting for a long time.

      So funny. Hadn’t realized you’d come by my place, as I was leaving a note for you on your “About” page. I came across and interesting list of abandoned places on my Mind Unleashed FB page. Not sure if there’ll be a piece for you in there, but maybe. The mall that looks like it’s become a massive coy fish pond is awesome.

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